vampirenny

Not much has been going on since Courtney moved in with me. Adjustment has been pretty rough, but we are getting used to being together. I made a new friend, and he has "Fanboys." I am really excited, because we are going to hang out sometime and watch it. I have been waiting years for this.

Life con be confusing sometimes. As we speak, I am messaging a good friend of mine in Indiana who... well... we have had an interesting friendship. I have known him for over a decade. and we have been friends off and on. Last year he came out about his homosexuality. After he got over that stress, life was a little easier for him, since he wasn't always hiding. One night we were hanging out and he told me that not only was he (and I often use theses terms incorrectly, please forgive me) transgender, but he also had a crush on me. I have no adequate words for how this changed out friendship... I am not even sure. Now we are talking, and he is upset. If I don't have the words to express how to define our friendship, how am I to console him?

TG people make pronouns hard.

I lost my train of thought. I am not sure you can actually call my thoughts "trains." I think it is more like an infinite line of bad ideas.

-John

I have had so much to post on LJ recently... but I haven't, and I doubt any of that will make it on here. I have just been too busy to post half of the stuff that has been going on with me. I have forgotten half of it anyway.

The major things:

I went to prom with Courtney a few weeks ago. It was pretty cool except for the selection of music. If I wanted to listen to rap and sappy-pop-country all night I would do it somewhere that I wasn't paying insane amounts of money just to dance with my ladyfriend. My truck broke down on the way home... I know, it seems like my truck breaks down a lot. For some reason, I feel the same way. It turns out the main wiring harness laid down on the exhaust manifold, and melted the power wire. Pretty easy fix, but I was so busy with other stuff that it took me two weeks before I could even pop the hood to look at what was wrong.

Courtney moved in with me. About all I have to say on that subject is that it is really stressful. It has gotten some better, but it is still......stressful.

I lost one of my babysitting gigs, so now I am gonna have less money. That would be fine if I didn't have to start paying rent recently.

My dog is now blind in one eye. Yes, that probably warrants further explanation... but I am just not up to it right now.

Hope all is well with my friends who will read this... lol, "Hi Brad!"

-John

I wrote this last night, and I have been debating all day on whether or not I should post it. I guess you can see my ultimate decision.

I have come to realize that I have lost faith in happiness that pretends to be more than fleeting.

 

We live in an age where everything just tries to mask our real feelings. If I am unhappy for a moment I turn to my material crutches. Open a soda, light a cigar, or attempt normalcy while talking with a friend. It isn't that I am worried about normalcy so much as I am about trying to match my actual emotions with what I would like to feel.

 

I think we tell ourselves that we will be happy when that next paycheck comes in, and we can finally pay that bill. Or maybe the next season of that show will fill the whole that can never be filled. You can go ahead and pretend that you don't have those thoughts, but they surely occur, if only at the subconscious level.

 

I have the philosophy that we should enjoy each moment of his life that is so short, but here I sit with my crutches beneath me in search of that happiness. It is all to easy to believe that when Courtney finally gets here I will be happy. I know better. I will be happier, in the same sense as I will be happy when/if I pay my truck off. It won't be permanent. Please don't think I am belittling my love or my devotion, just the sense of eternal happiness.

 

I spin intricate webs of half-truths miming my philosophy of Eat, Drink, and Be Merry while I joke quietly and question what-ifs. If only I had the chance to prove myself true to my word. What would happen if I could truly drive until sunrise in search of that momentary glory that accompanies such a dream. Why don't I? Why must I be caught up in such worldly issues as spending what money I have, if I actually believed that it would bring me closer to my goals?

 

If only, if only.

 

I will be one of so many that dies before I get to write my proverbial book, jump out of an airplane, or experience that second-long sweetness that we all crave. Why? Is it laziness, lack of focus, bad luck, or any number of rationalizations that we fill the empty minutes with? All I seem to do is mock true feelings and guard the things that really bother me.

 

I can try and say what I feel but no one else will ever feel exactly as I do. Friends, family, and our loved pets can never understand exactly who we are. Why is it that they all seem happy? Why do I go home each night feeling like my life really matters when there are a billion other people doing the same thing? What effects will I have that will actually reverberate through any communities?

 

I can't think of a single thing that I have ever done, that has affected someone profoundly, that wouldn't have been done by someone else in the same situation. We are made of failure, and that is how we will all eventually end.

 

What substance does a life contain that is spent reciting the quotes and accomplishments of others, but seems to have none of its own?

 

How can I ever hope to be a beacon to anyone when I am seemingly trapped among so many others gasping for air?

 

Why don't I believe that these words will ever have meaning that is perceived past a simple regard? Is the Reason in the name I have picked really so meaningless?

-John

I have always wanted a dog..... So I got one.

When I moved down to Texas last summer, I had accomplished my lifetime goal. I know that seem pretty weird to most people, but I drink blood. lol. I was content, and I didn't like it... so I came up with a new goal.

Get a good truck, a good woman to sit in the passenger seat, and a good dog to ride in the back.

After all the recent repairs, I think I have a good truck. I believe I have had a good woman looking after me for years now, so that only leaves a dog.

I signed up for my local "Freecycle" yahoo group at a friend's suggestion. On the very first day I read an email from a guy trying to get rid of a litter of puppies. These are supposedly born from a "White Lab x momma" and a "Brindle hog dog daddy."

I considered whether or not I wanted a dog for a really long time, and talked to a whole bunch of people about their experiences. Over time I decided that I would go ahead and get the dog. I went out to the guy's house and picked one out, and then went and built a pen. Then I went and picked the dog up.

Urgh, last night was Hell. The pen I built was not nearly puppy-proof. lol. He could climb out of it much easier than I had expected. We made it through the night, and I fixed it all this morning. He seems to be much happier with it now.

I can't wait until he settles in, and feels more comfortable. I have been trying to get him used to being "his own dog" now that he is away from 16 other dogs... but it might take a while.
















That is about all I have to say right now.
-John

I am pissed off as Hell! LJ just glitched and I lost an awesome blog. I had been writing for like 20 minutes....

I got to go see Dave Matthews Band on Friday in Houston, because my brother lent me the money, and got me a ticket from a friend. It was a total surprise. I wouldn't have been able to go if it wasn't for a snake that blocked my path. I was out walking in the woods when I saw the snake. I decided to go look up the type of snake on the internet when my brother called and explained the whole situation. The show was amazing.

The Avett Brothers opened for DMB, and they were amazing. I suggest you folks listen to the songs "When I Drink" and "Murder In The City."
 The latter was so impressive that I think it will not only be played at my funeral, but I might get a tattoo of some of the lyrics.

I was having a late night conversation with a friend recently that completely changed my ideas about justice. I mean like a complete paradigm change. It is amazing what one death can change.

I finally installed Ubuntu Netbook Remix on my AAO. I think I like it a lot. I need to get a small messenger I use running on Wine though. I hope it works alright, but I am not too worried about it.

I told my sister about my vampirism. She was surprisingly ok with it. Not much to say there.

Life is weird.

I have so much to say, but most of it would be better reserved for a lite night with a good cigar and an even better friend. You are invited.


Later,
-John

Well today I found out what was wrong with my truck... this time. lol

It turns out that my radiator cracked somehow on the plastic tank. No, not the reservoir, the sides of the radiator. Okay.. chill out.. Maybe you didn't assume I was wrong. No I am not taking an odd tone with you. Fine! You wanna fight! You got it! Okay... I regret this.

That was weird huh? I must have zero impulse control.

So, I fixed my truck, and while I was out I phoned my sister. We talked for a good 25 minutes, and had some really deep conversation. I told her about my blood-drinking and some other stuff.. and she was cool with it. Hopefully.

I guess that is all I have to say.

-John

I need to post here more often,

Too much work lately,

Too much sick lately,

Craving again.

Bitching too much (still)

-John

I had so much to say, but now it all seems insignificant,

I fixed my truck, and doing so was a royal bitch. I had to get 2 people to help me. I did most of it by myself, but my brother helped me stab the transmission, and my mechanic-buddy helped me bleed the clutch. I don't know what we were doing wrong, but we ran nearly 1/2 gallon of brake fluid through it, and still couldn't get all of the air out of the lines. After several days of hard work it is done, and I can relax. Really, what would I rather be doing than bleeding something, and stabbing trannies. Those are my favorite pasttimes. lol. I shouldn't say things like that...

I might be getting another babysitting gig, and that would be pretty sweet. More money for a (hopefully) fun job. This kid is 10, so I am sure he will just want to hang out and play video games. That sounds pretty easy.

This damn full moon is really affecting me this month. I have really had to concentrate on my meditation to stay in control. I do think I made a mistake though. You know how you see a nice steak in the window of a butcher, and you really want to taste it? Perhaps this is a bad analogy, but I am going to run with it. I have had this friend for about 4 years, and i have always thought that she looked delicious. I know that seems weird, and other sanguinarians might not know what I am talking about, but it just clicked. We were talking online, and I accidentally mentioned about how I had always wondered what her blood would be like... I immediately felt bad. I honestly think that she was a little bit flattered by my curiosity, but I still feel guilty. I think that most vamp-type folks deal with a lot of guilt.

I am about done with my new article, but I am not sure I will be submitting it yet. It has been suggested that I write another article pertaining to meditation, and it might make more sense if the second one came out first. I will think about it a while. I am really happy though that the people i sent my new article to all really liked it, with only minor suggestions. I think all of the suggestions pertain more to future articles than this current one.

-John

     We had quite an interesting day yesterday. Overall it was a pretty positive experience. I was honestly surprised that it went so well. I am not really up to talking about it to much, except to comment on how delicious Courtney's Grandma's brisket was. Exceptional, especially for an oven cooked piece of meat. I generally like smoked brisket much better. Barbecue is where it is at.

     As far as today goes... I tried my first crawfish. It was pretty good, but it takes quite a bit of effort to get over that fact that they look plain disgusting. I went on a walk and wound up at my nearest neighbor's house. (It is a good 1/2 mile walk) We sat and watched part of a Formula 1 race and discussed the nature of the news as of late. I was telling him about my crawfish experience and he was envious. lol.
     We talked about it a while and I decided I would go pick them up so he could watch the race. He watched over my horses for a week recently, so I didn't see it as much of a favor to reciprocate. I got in my "Hot Shit Red Pickup" and boogied on to town. If I had gotten there 10 seconds later I would have missed out.
     I picked up 5lb. of bugs and a couple ears of sweet corn. I thought the guys was pretty cool to throw in some free corn, so I thanked him profusely. I made my merry way home and we devoured the food. I let him eat most of the "mini-lobsters" while I dined on the corn. One good thing about living in Indiana was that they knew about corn. This wasn't much to compare to what you can get up North, but I can' complain. The South has them whooped as far as real food (meat) goes. lol.
      Some pain in the ass over in the Netherlands convinced me to download that stupid Twhirl application, and I have been putting it to good use.
    That is about all I have to say for right now. I am working on a new article, and I will post a link here when I am done (if it gets approved for posting over at NVS or DE)

Dang it...Misty and Fulgrim... I need you guys to be online more so I know someone is actually reading my blog. lmao.
-John

Tomorrow morning Courtney and I are going to some kind of family get together with her biological family. She is going to meet her BioMom for effectively the first time in her life. I just hope that she is not disappointed. I guess I will have more to say on the subject in tomorrow evening.

Another side note, for some reason it seems that I type better when I am laying down watching television than if I really try. Lol.

-John

So, I have cool news.

I submitted my article to Larae over at DE, and she approved it. Go on and check it out if you like. Hopefully this is just the beginning of my contributions to the OVC.

http://www.darknessembraced.com/vampire/content/view/262/1/ (You have to scroll down some)

I hope you enjoy it!
-John

This is a slightly edited entry I made over at DE, but I thought it would fit well as a blog for my LJ.

( Cut to the chase )

I am so tired of feeling crappy.

I hope this nice weather will bring my spirits up. I just can't explain why I am feeling so down. Perhaps tomorrow will make me feel a little better too. I guess it will be my nineteenth birthday. I don't really have plans other than to drive my dad to Dallas for a doctor's appointment. No better way to celebrate your birth than driving 3 hours to visit a government run hospital, and then drive back...

I tried to get some friends together to go to the strip club, but no one was very interested. All of those who are interested are either incapable of going (something about probation/parole?) or I can't get ahold of them. I have tentative plans to smoke a cigar with my dad. He sugar coated those plans by picking out 2 specific cigars which I can not resist. These buddies are like $35 minimum, and they are hard as heck to get. We found 2 of them that are sequentially numbered (They number the boxes and bands to prevent counterfeiting) while we were on out trip up North.

I really want to try and get my foot in the door of the vampire community by writing an article, but I can't bring myself to do it. I have this nagging feeling that it will not be accepted in any capacity. Even if I do write a good article, it may only apply to me. I think that vampirism has a different meaning for many different people. Suppose my article does have merit, and does apply to a general group, who knows if it will ever be noticed.

Oh well,
-John

Let's see if I can update things here.

My sister had a baby in January, so my brother, my father, and I took a week long trip up to Indiana to see my new niece. I had a really good time hanging out with family and friends and smoking...about $125 worth of cigars. lol

I had genuine heart to heart with a friend, and I am still considering whether or not I should post it here. It is really personal, and I have not had sufficient time to consider the consequences either way.

I had to leave Arf here alone, which made my heart ache. I know she was "lost in the world" so to speak, but she will be fine. When I got back she tried to nag (meow) at me for over an hour. She had plenty of food and water, but I still know that she needs human interaction. I hope she doesn't develop trust issues because of this... I am sure I would if my "person" took off for a week and a half leaving me locked in a house alone.

 Perhaps I have not (in this journal) established my love of body modification, but I will do so now. I only have my ear pierced and a couple tattoos, but I sure do cherish them. It was far past the time for me to get my cross tattoo on my arm touched up, but my artist up North said, "To Hell with it!" and did it for free. I gave her a small tip, and even the attempt to pay her was an effort in itself. It is nice to see good people helping each other out even in such economic hard times.

I really abhor starting paragraphs with the word, "I"

I am considering getting my septum pierced, but I fear the effects it would have on me getting a job. Another consideration is that I would have to take it out when I was working for the caterer anyway, and that can severely mess with healing times, not to mention the problems it can have with a fully healed piercing. I don't know how I would look with it, but I see it more as an expression to myself than one to others. Input on the subject would be appreciated.

My cravings have been in an ebb state for quite a while, and I am pretty sure that when the tide comes rolling in, it will break down buildings with its wake.  Huh, one little sentence in this whole post has to deal with blood. lol

-John
 

     I have always wanted to travel across the nation a bit on my own. I have gone between Indiana and Texas countless times, but I have never truly had the opportunity to relax and take a leisurely pace.

I feel like I have finally been given that chance. I have been working very hard lately to accumulate anything I would need to go adventuring and survive it. The most notable acquisition is a camper shell for my truck. I intended to build a tent structure that would fold down into the bed of my truck for easy storage, but I came across a deal I couldn't pass up.

I bought a nice,black, windowless truck shell for about one-third off MSRP. It is worth a lot less because it is used, but I still think it is a nice figure to compare to. Utilizing this new tool, I will have a warm place to eat and sleep that is out of the weather. A camper shell will also provide much more security than a canvas tent would.

I will give you more details later, but I thought I would try and keep all my faithful fans (2?) in the loop of my current state of affairs.

-John

I completed the AVEWRS. That thing was long as hell.

I want to drink some blood.

-John

1) Less Food
2) More compact design
3) Don't steal your bedcovers while you are sleeping (as much)
4) Can't eat you (While you are still living)
5) Not as loud
6) Vet bills are less
7) Softer
8) Less Energetic
9) Dogs have never been Dominar

I am sick

I totally wrote a lot, so see the cut.

( Cute without the E )

1. I can drive 5 hours on 4 hours of sleep, and be fine.
2. Prison guards can usually punch harder than me.
3. Don't eat gun show hamburgers
4. Look both ways
5. Unless it is a one way street, than only look one way.....unless you like life.
6. There is no good chinese food in East Texas
7. Dancing sucks

Fin